Long ago in a town called Chilocco there lived a little girl named Brandi Barges.
She was a mean, horrible, compulsive liar who would make up stories and get the other little children in trouble -- not to mention, she was rude to people.

One day Brandi made up a story about Shamika Cryer, a nice little girl at her school, and made fun of her because she had Bell’s Palsy. Well, what Brandi didn’t know was that Shamika was good friends with a witch doctor named Kam Frankfurter. These stories upset Kam so much that she immediately went looking for Brandi. When Kam finally found her she was in the dark forest throwing rocks at squirrels.

Kam Frankfurter said to Brandi, “I’m so tired of you being mean and rude to people. You made up stories about Shamika, made fun of her Bell’s Palsy, and made her cry. Now I’m going to turn you into the Hairy Man!!!”

DUN…DUN….DUUUUUNN!!!

Kam Frankfurter reached into her robe and pulled out a monkey’s paw. She then proceeded to slap Brandi across the face with it while chanting, “Hairy Hand, Hairy Man…” Then the sky turned black and filled with dark clouds. There was a roll of thunder and a flash of lightening. The dark gray clouds came down from the sky and surrounded Brandi like a cloud of smoke. When the clouds cleared, Brandi was left curled up in a ball lying on the ground. When she came to, Kam told her that unless she learned how to be nice and quit telling stories, she had to be the Hairy Man forever, for-evv-er, for-evvvv-er!

Brandi was mad because she didn’t want to be the Hairy Man. She didn’t want to be nice to people, and she definitely didn’t want to stop making up stories. Brandi was so angry that she made up a story about Kam Frankfurter, but no one would believe her now because they were so scared of her. She was hideous with her big, red furry gorilla body. She was tall, with red hair covering every inch, except her face which was bald, puffy, and spotted with huge pimples and boils. She had a scrunched-up nose covered in big, black hairy moles. Her mouth was small and filled with gaping, scarily-crooked teeth that were plagued with plaque and gingivitis. She had the worst case of halitosis ever. Not to mention, she tended to drool a lot. Her lips were pursed as if she had tasted something sour. Her eyes were a story all their own. Her right eye was lazy and always seemed to point down to the right. Every once in a while, it would twitch. Her left eye was crazy and always seemed to be spinning in circles. They were both blood red and bulging. Even her mother was disgusted by her looks and kicked her out.

Forced to live in the dark forest where vengeful squirrels constantly pelted her with acorns, Brandi grew angry and started to plan her revenge on the people in her town. So one night she just lost it and started biting people’s heads off. She only bit the heads off of people who were nice. She roamed at night, but only when the moon was out because without the moonlight she couldn’t see very well what with her eyes being lazy, crazy, and twitching.

Finally, the townspeople got tired of Brandy the Hairy Man always scaring people and biting heads off. So they formed an angry mob, gathered all the ugly sticks that they could find, and one night they waited for her at the bottom of the tree she lived in. When she came down, the people beat her with all those ugly sticks and left her there. They didn’t want to kill her or injure her severely, but the next day a crow mistook her for dead and pecked out her eye (the lazy one). Now she has to wear a patch and the townspeople call her Patches O’Hoolahan. Brandi Barges learned her lesson and never bit anyone’s head off ever again.